He Never Heard a Thing

He never heard a thing!
Working at the post office, I’m used to dealing with a moody public. So when one irate customer stormed my desk, I responded in my calmest voice,”What’s the trouble?”
“I went out this morning,” she began, “and when I came home I found a card saying the mailman tried to deliver a package but no one was home. My husband was in all morning. He never heard a thing!”
After apologizing, I got her parcel. “Oh, good,” she gushed. “We’ve been waiting for this for ages.”
“What is it?” I asked.
“My husband’s new hearing aid.”

Have You Ceased Beating Your Wife?
This story is told of a browbeating counsel, who habitually endeavored to terrorize his opponent’s witnesses.
One witness rather tended to preface his replies with lengthy explanations.
“I want ‘yes’ or ‘no’”, thundered counsel, “There is no need for you to argue the point!”
“But there are some questions which cannot be answered by ‘yes’ or ‘no’”, mildly responded the witness.
“There are not!” snapped the lawyer.
“Oh,” said the witness, “answer this then: Have you ceased beating your wife?”

Headstone “Strange”
A lawyer named Strange was shopping for a tombstone. After he had made his selection, the stonecutter asked him what inscription he would like on it. “Here lies a honest man and a lawyer,” responded the lawyer. “Sorry, but I can’t do that,” replied the stonecutter. “In this state, it’s against the law to bury two people in the same grave. However I could put ‘here lies an honest lawyer’.” “But that won’t let people know who it is!” protested the lawyer. “Certainly will,” retorted the stonecutter. “people will read it and exclaim,’That’s Strange!’”
一位名为奇怪的律师在选购一块墓碑。选好后,雕刻匠问他想要刻上什么碑文。“这里长眠着一位诚实的人,一位律师,”律师回答道。“对不起我不能这么做,”雕刻匠说,“在这个州,一个墓埋葬两个人是违法的。不过,我可以刻上:‘这里长眠着一位诚实的律师’。” “但是这样没法让人们知道这里埋葬着谁!”律师抗议道。“当然知道啦,”雕刻匠反驳道,“人们看到后会大声惊呼,‘咦?奇怪!’”

Is He Really Ill?
On a hot summer day an elderly gentleman faints in the street. A small crowd immediately gathers around him.
“Give the poor man a glass of brandy,” advises a woman. “Give him a heart message,” says someone else.
“No, just give hime some brandy,” insists the woman. “Call an ambulance,” yells another person.
“A brandy!” The man suddenly sits up and exclaims. “Shut up, everybody, and do as the kind lay says!”

Have His Photo on the Headline
While taking photos of a bear eating fish in the forest, two journalists found the annoyed beast turned around to chase them.
In running, one journalist said to the other:”Can’t run anymore! What should we do?” “No idea. But one of us will have his photo on the headline(tomorrow).” replied his colleague.
一位记者一边逃命一边问另一位,“跑不动了!我们该怎么办?” “我也不知道。不过,我们中的一位将要跟他拍的照片要一起上头条(明天)了。” 他的同事回答道。